hey. if you read my previous blog post you know that things are going well rn and things have actually gotten worse. i don't feel good at all. so i spent all last week trying to hold back being angry at myself for how i handled the weekend getaway with my gf, and also attempting to be there for her physically everyday. I went out of my way to see her, talk to her and i even made her a little goodie basket and surprised her at work with it. of course i knew that it probably might not have helped much at all because of how much she is going through, but i also wanted to be there for her because we both knew i was going to be out of town for the weekend. i was going on a camping trip with family and was going to be about an hr and a half away from her. because of that i really wanted to make sure i was doing everything i could for her. i also had asked a few of our mutual friends to check in on her over the weekend because i knew my gf can practice sh and may have even attempted to unalive herself. fortunately the weekend passed and she's still alive.
she's still in a really bad state of mind which of course makes sense for the situation she's in. but now i'm all over the place. if you read the last paragraph and was upset that i went camping when i knew i had a mentally unstable gf, one that is a danger to herself...yeah i'm pretty upset too. i'm completely furious with myself and i'm trying to fight off my sh urges as well. i can't keep asking myself why i'm not enough to make her feel better, why i made her feel like this in the first place, how stupid must i be to make bad decision after bad decision. and it just keeps getting worse.
for context for what i'm about to talk about. my best friend and i had a heart to heart and promised to quit watching porn together because of just how bad its impacted our brains and how they operate and we're just too old for all that. and i told my gf about how i'm trying to quit so she knows its a thing that i'm working on.
a couple of nights ago my gf asked about how quitting my addiction was going and i told her that there have been ups and downs. the first two weeks were the worst because i couldn't sleep and was feeling really stressed out. but after that i stopped having cravings and was able to feel pretty normal for awhile. but with this whole thing going on between me and my gf i have been feeling super depressed and used porn to masturbate. i couldn't stop myself and part of me didn't want to stop myself. it's a deplorable and regretful action that i did and i don't forgive myself for it. anyways after telling that to my gf, she began to be upset at me and questioned whether or not i was taking quitting seriously which shook me to my core. i believed i was trying, but there was a lot of soul searching that happened and there was a part of me that hung onto the porn and didn't want to let it go completely. yeah i was able to restrain myself from watching it when i'm feeling ok, but i still had avenues to look at porn for when i was at my weakest. i was completely contradicting myself and it broke my gf's heart.
in my distress i said some things that definitely hurt her. in my depressive state, i wanted to be the bad guy, i wanted her to be upset at me because i know i messed up and i know i'm a problem. i wanted her to hate me because i knew that everything i've done to her is awful. if she hates me then its all the more justified to hate myself and harm myself. and now that's the reality i'm in and have to deal with. now i have all the reason in the world to hate myself and harm myself. and i can't stop crying.